If I have to deal with a major disappointment and feel like a glass or two of wine would be nice to comfort myself and commiserate there's nofuckingway I'm going to have one, even if it means going to bed and eating five chocolate biscuits instead.
If I feel like a bit of a sad boring loser at a party because I'm finding everyone else's crazy boozy talk completely unfunny and stupid then so be it. So. Be. It.
If I have to have new people judge me and wonder about my drinking past and form negative opinions about me based on my sobriety then so what.
If someone close to me dies and someone tries to give me a whiskey while I'm deep in my grief I'll scream through my tears 'I DONT' TOUCH THAT STUFF DON'T GIVE IT TO ME!!!'.
If I have to stay self obsessed in order to stay on top of my emotional states and keep myself from taking the easy way out and numbing myself with wine then self obsession it is.
I choose sober self obsession over boozy sloppy misery.
I choose raw and vulnerable over breezy and false.
I choose sober over drunk.
I choose it. I do. Me. This is my life and if I choose not to touch alcohol ever again then I won't touch alcohol ever again. I have no-one to fear but myself. I don't fear myself. I trust myself.
Call this determination. Call it grim reality. Call it sad and boring, call it brave and amazing. Call it what you like. I don't mind. I'll just be over here staying sober for the rest of the days of my life.
Love, Mrs D xxx
