I was at my local store stocking up on a few supplies including beer to give to the guys who are going to help me put up the new trampoline. The lovely store owner laughed as I put the 6-packs on the counter, saying 'Ah ha! While the husband's away..the wife will play!' or words to that effect (he knows Mr D is away on business for the week).
I laughed and said 'not for me! I don't touch the stuff'.. to which he replied 'I don't like beer either actually' and then we moved on to talk about the US elections.
Later as I was driving back from dropping the boys at scouts I was thinking how that store owner has never known me as a drinker. If we'd lived here before I got sober he would definitely have been aware that I was fond of red wine. As it is this beer is the first alcohol I've bought from him ever.
And as I was driving thinking about him and our conversation, I suddenly imagined myself actually buying red wine and taking it home and drinking it. Pouring. Drinking. Pouring. Drinking. Pouring. Drinking. Drinking. Drinking. Drinking.
Gross. Honestly, the thought of going back to all that pouring and drinking is gross. Awful. I think I actually pulled a face to myself in the car imagining all that pouring and drinking.
So thank fuck for that. I have no temptation to drink. None. Which is a total blessing because sober living is a bit raw and tricky for me right now. I'm stressed and emotional, to put it bluntly. And am working very hard on my new strategies to cope.
As always so many lovely comments and lots of wise advice is coming my way on here. And I am determined to meet this living-raw challenge head on (albeit with tears and gritted teeth right now).
I'm working on compassion and forgiveness, breathing and thinking clearly and calmly, and just general positive thinking. This will pass. I will learn. And hopefully, like the brilliant Byebyebeer has, I will grow to love my feelings. Even the tricky ones. And hopefully, like the clever Daisyanon says, I will start to really grow up, without any masks. (That Daisyanon link will take you to her blog but she doesn't post often. Her immense wisdom comes to me in comments. I'm very lucky).
I am slowly finding the real me. So this is what they mean about the second year being difficult. I see that now. First year all your energy is on just removing the booze and living without it. Second year, learning who you really are.
How fucking cool is that? (Positive note to end on!)
Love, Mrs D xxx
