I chatted with a friend the other day about about all the stuff that had been going on lately and opened up that it had been a hard time 'sober-wise' as I'd been hankering for a glass of wine to help me deal with things. Told her that I'd pushed through OK (with the help of half a cigarette that tasted awful) and things were smoothing out now and I was getting closer to my one year 'soberversary'. She said, "I often think of you. How amazingly strong you are. I wish I could drink less."
Ok so there's a lot going on here. 1) she's concerned she drinks too much 2) she's being honest with herself about her drinking and working to keep in as under control as possible and 3) she thinks of me and it helps!
I'd be a big fat liar if I didn't admit that I love that people are impressed by me giving up booze. It's a vain, big-headed thing to say but it's definitely one of the big positives about living sober and I'll take the good along with the bad.
Good = people are impressed, people think I'm strong, I think I'm strong!, I respect myself more, I have a much healthier self-image, I make more effort with my appearance and personal grooming (the extra bits like nails and eyebrows), I'm saving money, I am healthier, I am calmer, I am more considered in my approach to interpersonal matters, I am ensuring my kids won't carry any shit from having a heavy-drinking mum, I am choosing a sustainable way of living well for the second half of my life.
Bad = I'm different from the majority, I won't be able to be 'silly pissed' at parties and might have to retreat if it's difficult to mesh with people who are getting tipsy or drunk, I have to deal with tricky interpersonal stuff in a raw and real state which is sometimes not as appealing as blurring the edges with wine, the angry and sad versions of myself are more pronounced when they're around, I don't get to taste alcohol any more.
These are the facts. This is what I have chosen. No regrets.
Love, Mrs D xxx
