So this 90-day thing feels quite significant. I'm not sure why. It's an AA thing and I'm not in AA, but I know that they make a really big deal when someone has managed to stay sober for 90 days (a special coin? some sort of ceremony?). I've been getting excited myself about tomorrow and feeling like I should do something special like make a big pavlova! And cover it with whipped cream and fresh berries and a broken up flake bar. Lots of lovely crumbs of chocolate. That would be a statement.
But personally, inside me, I have to say that the journey to this point has been intense and revealing. And now that I'm here I feel a certain level of calm about living a life without alcohol.
Having said that I did have a pang or two yesterday, accompanied by a small stomach turn (nerves?) and a kind of incredulous voice inside saying 'Really? Never again? Really?'. I think it's still going to be hard, and at times I'll be sad that I can't be a casual drinker.
But I can't, so there, move on Mrs D.
Anyway. One of the main things I have learned in the past 90 days is that it is in the stillness and quiet that I find it hardest not to drink. The hardest weekend I had recently was a weekend where we had no plans. Just the family hanging out. I struggled all weekend.
I've been to a wedding, hosted a party, attended BBQs and meals at friends houses. I've been to bars, attended Black Tie dinners and dined at fancy restaurants and all of these events have been fine sober. Better than fine. I love going out socially when I'm not drinking and not revealing to everyone that I have an enthusiastic attitude to wine.
But Tuesday nights are difficult. Random Wednesdays at 4.59pm. Weekends with nothing on. The quiet, the still, it scares me and I feel an urge to drink. I used to think it was boredom but Dr Drew told someone on Celebrity Rehab that boredom is another word for depression. I'm not depressed. But I have been avoiding some sadnesses. I'm having to learn to be low sometimes, and flat. I never knew that was going to happen.
Bring on the next 90 days I say.
Love, Mrs D xxx
